last year this period, i was still flush from my first bonus, so whhhheewwww, spent it all at one shot on a bag. which i STILL LOVE. omg. just thinking about it makes me happy. ok. i digress.

maybe it’s the yoga lessons that i’ve been going to. maybe i’ve grown. or maybe i’m just… well..pmsing. but this year, i’ve taken a step back and tried to look at things more objectively. yes, it’s gorgeous, but do i REALLY need another necklace? another pair of shoes? (you realise that i still don’t question my bag purchases here, but you get the general trend of how things are going now).

yes, in anticipation of The Big Trip in June with the Lee siblings to Japan (now that we’ve downsized from UK, France & Amsterdam), I’ve already started saving. but more so than ever, I guess i was exposed more to what’s going around in the world — I’ve taken more interest in current events — but I’ve come to a conclusion that i’ve been living a pretty charmed lifestyle. friends and family who love and indulge me. just being singaporean (so the basic necessities are provided), and wealthy enough to not worry about covering the basic necessities. but it’s not so in other less developed countries.

it’s not as though i’ve been living under a pretty stone, but the truth is, when you’re younger, you don’t realise that issues like war, famine, extinction and pollution actually have a real effect on others. it’s more of a ‘THIS COULD HAVE BEEN YOU’ poster, moving or not. it’s never really been driven into me about how dire some situations can be.

So yes. it’s taken be 23 years, and one really expensive handbag (not to mention the upkeep) to wake me up. i’m not changing my lifestyle overnight. i’m not giving up on buying my bags. but i’m working towards to being more prudent,  and to being an overall better person — i need to work at giving back to the community/environment. if it does take more expensive bags to come to that realisation on how much money i’ve thrown at the Big Brands, i guess that’s money well spent. at least i DO come to that realisation in the end. it’s the process that’s well….

yes, it would be awesome. but i’m no longer a student, so i’m not entitled to that (well, except maybe during the weekends). ANYWAY, it’s december and i’m in a job slump.

my learning is stagnating, so much that i find myself really really really bored, and starting to hate my job. it’s not that i’m so awesome that my learning is stagnating. it’s because it’s getting super routine, and i’m not learning anything new. little wonder i turn to my yarns and needles for enlightenment at the end of my long day at work. how else am i going to feel less like an idiotic robot?!

i guess the slump’s also partially because of me thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. which it is, right? isn’t it?

in any case, my boss was talking to me about job rotation today, and she asked me whether i was interested in another position in her other team. i was, but i wasn’t sure. what if i hate it there? what if this isn’t what i really want to do? what if i get stuck doing this for the rest of my life, and just caught in the rat race?

i’m really envious of my friends who know what they want to do. or what they DON’T want to do. it’s simple for them. they just have to work around obstacles and towards their goal that’s flashing in neon pink. for me, it’s a different story. like what my colleague, CW, was telling me, young ppl nowadays don’t know what they want to do, ie they have no ambition. but seriously, back in his days (he’s around 40 now), the norm ambition was probably to have a steady job and a steady life. but i might be generalising. in my time, my ambition was to be a doctor, an astronaut and the president of the united states at the same time, while i fly around the world in a red flying saucer with flashing lights, and make peace with the aliens.  no wonder i don’t know what my ambition is.

and it’s weird, because with my abilities, and my degree (which is very gneral), i can do just about any other non-specialised job out there. and i have no freakin’ idea why i’m stuck here. doing this job. maybe it’s for the money. maybe it’s for the occasional ‘omg, i seriously love my job to death’. or maybe it’s for that intake of breath that i hear after i introduce myself as ‘I’m a financial analyst working at XXX’, and that sudden stab of self-importance. but you know what? at the end of the end, all this doesn’t matter. yes, i’m a person, working as a very glorified administrator in a very big company — which also means that what i do probably doesn’t mean very much to the company.

so yes. i did tell her that i was interested in job rotation — to tick off another job position off my list of Dunnos– but now i’m not sure. I’m not even sure whether I will find a job that i will like if i leave this company. but i do know that i like to deal with money. so well… guess things shouldn’t be that far out.

so back to me seeing things on the other side being greener (and green being my favourite colour), i guess i just have to constantly remind myself that if i haven’t learnt anything else from my 6 months in germany, it’s that Things aren’t always what they seem. you think that they’re always having parties and drinking their lives away, but you don’t see them studying hard and finishing up assignments throughout the night.

ok. i sound serious. i think i need a drink. NOW. toffee nut latte, anyone?

http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Taurus

Your element: Earth

Your ruling planets: Venus

Symbol: The Bull

Your stone: Emerald

Life Pursuit: Emotional and financial security

Vibration: Determined energy

Taurus Secret Desire: To have a secure, happy and wealthy life/marriage.

Description:
Underneath their cool, calm and collected exterior, Taureans differ greatly from all the other signs of the zodiac. Taureans manage to discreetly stay apart from the crowd, even though they have a well-earned reputation for being socialisers. They will let others get close, but only so close as they want them. Some claim that trying to get your point across to a Taurean, should they not want to hear you, is rather similar to talking to the trees – they simply won’t budge. And, there is no such thing as an open-book Taurean. Their feelings, fears and desires often run far deeper than anyone around them would guess. Like the butterfly that chooses to remain hidden in its cocoon until it is ready and prepared to emerge, so the true Taurean spirit remains hidden behind a veneer of day-to-day activities. That’s why Taureans are sometimes regarded as snobby, withdrawn, boring, or even sulky.

The truth is, when Taureans manage to operate very adequately on their own form of automatic pilot, they can switch off from the world around them very efficiently. And when they do switch off, they are actually gathering in their inner reserves to deal with the outside pressures. This sign is also very closely connected to ‘feeling good’. Most Taureans like their creature comforts and hate change because it takes them out of their automatic pilot condition of separating themselves from the world around them.

Because they hate to be put in jeopardy of any kind, this is the sign that strives to create tomorrow in advance, rather than leave it to fate. In love, Taureans are regarded as extremely sensual beings. An earth sign, they deal well with the personal, physical senses and consequently all the pleasures associated with what they can see, touch, smell and taste, add up to a special delight to them. Often nature and pet lovers, Taureans are closely associated with all things off the earth and nature.

so when i heard that a certain someone — let’s call this person K — was going around telling people that we were BFFs, i instantly went into high alert mode. yes, K’s close and awesomely fantastically fab. yes, we’ve been friends for a REALLY LONG WHILE. yes, it’s to the point where i believe we’ve seen the worst of each other. but no. we are not BFFs. i might grudgingly accept BF (best friend, which is really another name for really close and awesomely fantastically fabulous friend, NOT boyfriend), but not best friends FOREVER.

you see, i’m of the camp that nothing lasts forever. not even diamonds — if they last forever, why do the prices always change? and as far as i know, no one has survived forever to prove this point. whatever. things change in circumstance, and people more so.

and so i quote from the forum,” Sometimes even the best of friends drift apart due to different life experiences, work, or new life chapters like marriage. Its not uncommon and its not anyone’s fault. Who is your BFF when you are a teenager maybe different from your BFF when you are a working adult or a Mum. We need various types of BFF’s at different milestones of our lives. Its not a loss, just moving on. We celebrate that we had those BFF’s, even though they are no longer the current BFF’s. “

in the mean time, i’ll just try to spend less time with this ‘BFF’ to lessen any friction, cross my fingers and hope that all goes well.

Which also means:

1. I’m not meant to be able to live and spend like a 50odd single woman

2. I’m allowed to have meager savings. But I MUST have savings

3. I’m allowed to change my mind x number of times

4. I’m allowed my bouts of irresponsibility

Live young, dammit. No wonder they say that youth is a luxury wasted on youths.

for real.

which was what i’d done earlier.

with an alcoholic twist.

DAMMMIT. time to hit sun lik for more valrona cocoa powder, vanilla extract and flour. )))) can’t wait to get this baby out!